Anthony "Tony" Magestro--or known on the field of battle as Metzge--is an avid writer, gamer, and entrepreneur. When he's not writing, gaming, or entrepreneuring, he enjoys cooking, trippy movies, and trying to be awesome to varying degrees of success. Feel free to check out his LinkedIn page, especially if you need freelance help with content writing or digital marketing. Or just like to network, that's fine too.
Good tidings upon you, friends. I know it’s been a while since I’ve last written directly to you all so I figured I’d break the fourth wall for a bit and say hullo.
Now that that’s out of the way, with this being a brand new month, it makes for yet another fresh slate. One that — if I’m honest — seems emptier than what it should be, much like many preceding it. I’m not going to lie to you all and say I’ve been working day in and day out on Start 2 Continue. I’m not going to make a bunch of excuses to validate my lack of motivation and thus, the lack of content. While I have the best intentions in continuing the site and helping it grow, it truly is tough trying to operate in such a saturated media market armed with just a computer, some ideas, and what little energy I have left at the end of the day after I manage my other adulting pursuits. On top of crippling anxiety, sporadic depression, and still adjusting to life in Washington state (as opposed to my native Midwest), I often find myself staring at a blank screen, cursor flashing at me, taunting me and my writer’s block.
Before I go further in this semi-ranting post, I want to be clear: I do not intend to stop working on this website, no matter how difficult it might be some days. Though this project has cost me money, friendships (or at least learning who can be relied upon versus who’s just around for the lulz because working with games and playing them are not the same), and peace of mind (my inability to be consistent feeds into my anxiety), I still enjoy working on my writing projects here and there, carving a specialized niche away from the mainstream websites that flood one’s Facebook newsfeed.
I love playing games and analyzing them for their story, mechanics, and overall construction; I love meeting both veterans and unproven indie studios and learning about them as individuals and organizations; I love writing and being a smartass, while hoping to educate my audience and get them to care about things beyond just playing games. I just get so worried about failing or not doing enough (with everything that I do) that it keeps me from succeeding. And it’s something I’ve been working on, reflected in spurts of posts all at once with long stretches of silence in between.
Despite the difficulty of trying to start a website in a crowded market with virtually no start-up money and, until the recent layout and web host changeover last October, no real revenue stream, this site is still something I’m passionate about. I don’t think that’ll ever change, especially trying to keep this afloat for as long as I have. Even if now I’m really the only one left working on it with occasional help here and there (for which I’m obviously grateful because again, this shit’s hard), part of me won’t let go. I don’t know whether or not I’m foolish at this point or just stubborn.
Hardship and personal shortcomings aside, I want to say two things to those who are still left reading and checking in. First, I’m sorry for not being consistent. It might even be fair to say that the only true consistency is my inconsistency, something I find embarrassing yet I’m not above holding myself accountable. Like I said, it’s not that I don’t care. For those who don’t suffer depression or anxiety (let alone both, depending on the day), think of caring about everything too much and about nothing at all, at the same time. If that hurts your head trying to make sense of existing in two opposite mental states simultaneously, imagine living it and trying to make sense of it. I know what I need to do, what must be done. Getting myself to move in that direction is another battle entirely. A daunting battle, but not an impossible one.
This brings me to my second point: I just wanted to say for those who’ve stuck around, especially from the beginning… thank you. Thank you for dealing with all the changes, with the on and off posting, with the refocusing away from news regurgitation and trying to emulate mainstream websites, with me. Knowing that there are some people out there that genuinely want to see this site flourish and succeed is really what’s been keeping me going. Despite the demons of anxiety looming over me (even now, trying to write this out is somewhat of a struggle), I know that all the negative, worrisome thoughts that rush through my head at 110 miles per hour — that I’m wasting time, a shitty writer, uninteresting or unrelatable — are just that: negative thoughts. And those too, I’ll conquer.
But for now, I’ll still be around, still trying to write and build this site, post by post, page by page, fan by fan. This is less about me anyway and more about cultivating a community of gamers and people who work within the industry at every level, to pine over a similar interest without the sensationalism of major news outlets which, nowadays in every industry, seems to just pander to scripted agendas tone deaf to what their readers really want (that is, not bullshit), all for the sake of more views. I’m actually pretty happy that there aren’t any advertisements on our site above the fold on our homepage and I’d like to keep it that way for as long as I can. Not that that’s changing any time soon.
Still. I’m happy you’re still here and, perhaps selfishly, I hope the feeling is mutual. I’ll keep doing my best and hey, if you have ideas, whether it’s content or changing up the layout or even how you might cope with nonsensical anxiety, let me know. Like I mentioned, a big part of why I love working on this project is meeting new people. That includes you too. So long as you’re not some crazy ax-murderer… I mean, we all have our limits.
Here’s to another month grinding away and working at being consistent. In the meantime, keep being awesome.